PREDICTION: If Rob Ford Only Takes A Couple Of Weeks Off, We're All Totally Screwed

So here we go.  Rob Ford's mom and sis think he's a little troubled but basically alright.  His brother thinks he should take a week or two off (because everybody kicks crack in a fortnight, dontcha know?).  The Toronto Sun is talking about a month or two, as are some of his most ardent council supporters (Mammo you dog, I figured you'd have recognized the opportunity for a palace coup and pounced by now).  Sure, the people on the other side of the ideological aisle in the press and on council are still calling for his resignation.  But come on now.  Rob Ford resign over a pesky thing like being a lying, drunken  crackhead with some unexplained ties to murder, extortion, and a whole universe of transgressions great and small?  Not on your life.

Don´t you see, he will have a SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM to point to!  Now that Sven Dougi has given him the cover he needs to take a couple weeks off, he can spend three weeks on a fishing boat or a Caribbean beach or even in some high class Betty Ford knockoff and he will have ACKNOWLEDGED HE HAS A PROBLEM.  He will have SOUGHT TREATMENT FOR AN ALCOHOL AND DRUG ISSUE.

Hung out with Sandro Lisi all day and night for years?  "Well I had a problem your honour but I sought treatment and now look at me."

Spent countless nights in the company of known gangsters?  "Well you see, Scrawler, I had a serious substance abuse issue.  But now that I've spent a couple weeks dealing with my problems, I'm all better."

Grabbed Sarah Thomson's Ass?  Punched Olivia Chow in the boobs?  Killed a hooker?  "Fuck it, bro.  I was cracked out of my skull but I sought help for a fortnight and now I'm super mayor.  Ford in ´14!"

Here is exactly what I predict will occur with our (what's the opposite of "intrepid" if you want the word to also have overtones of pathos and jelly filling?) mayor:

1. Within the next few days Mayor Ford will actually announce he's taking some personal time to seek treatment.

2. The announced amount of time will be, AT THE MOST, one month (a 28-day treatment program, for example).  My guess is it will be outpatient treatment if it's anything, and more likely will be him going on a trip somewhere and meeting with a shrink a couple of times.

3. His council allies will fall all over themselves to applaud the mayor.  Norm Kelly will consider the matter closed.  Denzil Minnan-Wong will still push for the apologies he's demanded, but he won´t push too hard.  Giorgio Mammoliti will declare it a great day for the City of Toronto that the democratic process can continue unimpeded while a flawed but decent man gets all the help he needs.

4. The Toronto Sun likewise will reverse their stance calling for his resignation and accept (somewhat more grudgingly than the Nunziatas of the world but still with enthusiasm) the Rob Ford Holiday Dry-Out Plan.  Warmington, Strobel, Levy (if she lowers herself to return to a column about city politics for half a second) and the rest of them will compete to see who can be the most lovingly accepting of our troubled chief magistrate once he returns.  Downtown residents will be called "fancy" several times.

5. Any motions involving the stripping of the mayor of any of his powers or for the requesting of the province to change legislation to allow for some sort of impeachment or recall will be loudly shouted down and tabled "until we've seen how the mayor is performing upon his return" (let´s attribute that one to, I dunno, Peter Milczyn maybe).

6. Norm Kelly will be the nominal interim mayor, but Doug Ford will loudly proclaim over and over that he is the guardian of his brother's agenda in Rob's absence and that he speaks for the administration.  He will largely be acceded to by the executive committee.

7. Any revelations during Rob's absence will be chocked up to behaviour that occurred while he was in the depth of his substance abuse problem (the one he can now conveniently use as an excuse for almost anything because he´s agreed to take a few weeks off to deal with it).

8. He will return in a few weeks time, give one more tearful, slowly-paced, childishly repetitive presser apologizing once more, proclaiming himself clean, and touting his fake record of helping taxpayers.

9. We'll spend a year watching his reelection campaign.  Any old revelations will be chalked up to "that was in the past before I dealt with my problem."  Any minor new transgressions will be explained away as "bumps in the road" and "small slips." Nothing short of him being tied to something really serious (like Anthony Smith's murder) or him going completely off the rails (like hitting the pipe before attending a council meeting and threatening to tear Adam Vaughan's "birdy throat" out) will stick to him.  He won't win the next election, no matter how much some people think/hope/wish he will.  But we'll be stuck with him until then.

All because he took a couple of weeks off.  We're all screwed now.  Mark my words.